i am SICK of typing things out on here and then deleting them for whatever the reason is. it’s such a fucking waste of time more than anything. i’m going to bullet point some of the things i’ve tried to talk recently and i will not delete them.

• everyone is looking forward to/excited for/will be relieved at the end of exams
• i’ve lied to everyone about how i feel my exams have gone so far
• i am terrified for the end of exams (cue reasons here that i would only delete so i’m not going to bother saying)
• i am excited for something - this is rare, especially something this materialistic
• this thing i’m excited for has been taken away from me twice
• the second time it was taken away was frustrating/heart breaking/upsetting
• but i am still excited as it is looking more likely that it will happen
• i am terrified for this stupid fucking modelling thing that i must have been drunk at when agreeing to.
• other than the one person who already knew, two people found out something about me yesterday and i hate it. it’s a tiny, insignificant thing but i still hate it
• there was one other thing that i can’t remember

i’m not sure how i feel about posting this. i don’t even know why. it’s nothing major. uh.

if people knew who i really was, they’d run a mile. no one would want to know me.

i’m sick of hiding. i’m sick of pretending. i’m sick of lying. i’m sick of being someone i’m not. i’m sick of not having one single person in my fucking life who actually knows who i am. this is so suffocating.

i hate this. i can’t fucking stand this, fucking hell i don’t understand. i can’t talk and i just want to scream because screaming would be better than this. fucking fucking hell i haven’t a fucking clue what is going on or what to do. i just need a cigarette right now i don’t fucking care.